Narcissists are everywhere. They are there in our offices, cafes, clubs, and of course, social media. On the surface they look confident, loud, even untouchable, but beneath the mask is a timid heart beating with fear. They are addicted to applause and validation, even if those are fake. They exaggerate what they achieve, they inflate their own worth, and they create illusions to hide the gnawing emptiness inside. Behind all their arrogance lies a coward terrified of being seen as average, or being judged as incompetent.

Why do people become narcissists?

Yesterday, I was reading an article on narcissism and I thought of going deep into the subject as I too have encountered a good number of narcissists in my life so far. It got me thinking why people become narcissists and I decided to explore a bit.

Narcissism isn’t something that stems overnight. It often originates in early developmental phases, particularly in response to maladaptive parenting (bad parenting, as we say). Children who experience chronic neglect, rejection, or excessive criticism frequently construct a grandiose self-image as a defense mechanism against deep-seated feelings of inadequacy.

Being bullied in school or college can also lead to narcissistic traits. If a child is bullied and he stays under constant fear and pressure, his mindset changes. That feeling of being helpless or powerless drives the child into having low self-esteem. Once that child grows up and gets into a powerful or influential position, he wants to have a taste of being powerful. And he does that by bullying those subordinate to him. That’s when the once bullied child grows up to become a narcissist bully, who wants to be admired and respected.

Basically, narcissism stems when children feel unseen, unloved, or constantly judged. The consistent feeling of inadequacy often pushes them to seek control and validation externally, fostering narcissistic defenses to feel stable and valued. Narcissists build a false sense of superiority as a way to protect themselves from encountering trauma and associated shame. What I have noticed is that while normal people are driven by virtues like love, empathy, compassion, etc., a narcissist is driven by shame.

How to identify a narcissist?

You can confidently claim that a loudmouth chest-thumper is definitely a narcissist, but it is not always easy and straightforward to spot a narcissist. That’s because they often present themselves as charming, confident, and even generous at first. But over time, patterns emerge. The key is to look for consistent behaviors.

Narcissists typically display a mix of grandiosity, entitlement, lack of empathy, and an excessive need for admiration. They often exaggerate achievements, dominate conversations, and struggle to handle criticism. Underneath, their self-esteem is fragile, so they react strongly to perceived threats, often with anger, defensiveness, or passive-aggression. They may also exploit relationships for personal gain, viewing others as means to achieve their own goals.

A narcissistic friend often makes gatherings all about themselves, steering conversations back to their achievements or problems. They may struggle to genuinely celebrate others’ successes, often downplaying them or subtly shifting attention back towards themselves. Over time, you may notice a lack of reciprocity where they expect your support but rarely offer the same.

A narcissistic colleague or boss is quick to claim credit but equally quick to shift blame. They often undermine coworkers to elevate themselves and may form “alliances” that serve their agenda. They thrive in hierarchical structures where they can exert control and maintain some sort of exclusivity, but they resist feedback or accountability. They won’t let others speak in group discussions for the fear of someone showing up to be smarter than they are, or for the fear of being questioned or held accountable. You may also notice that they’re often excellent at impressing superiors through flattery or sycophancy, but are poor at fostering genuine teamwork or building good rapport with their subordinates.

Narcissists often stand out in social or community settings through self-promotion, name-dropping, or constant status displays (wealth, connections, influence). They can appear charismatic and confident, but their interest in others tends to fade once they find them to be useless to their self interests. Their relationships are transactional. Their friendship or attention depends on what others can offer them.

In short, narcissists reveal themselves through patterns of self-centeredness, exploitation, and lack of empathy across contexts. Occasional arrogance doesn’t make someone a narcissist, but when these traits dominate and repeat consistently, that’s when you’re likely in the company of a narcissist.

Here is a practical red-flag checklist you can use in real life to spot narcissists:

1. Conversation style

• Do they constantly turn conversations back to themselves, or try to be the center of attention in all contexts?
• Do they interrupt or dismiss others’ perspectives?
• Do they downplay other people to show their influence?

2. Empathy (or lack of it)

• When you share struggles, do they minimize or shift focus back to their own experiences?
• If you share a problem, do they share an even bigger problem that undermines yours?
• Do they struggle to comfort or validate you without comparing themselves?

3. Reactions to success and failure

• Do they struggle to celebrate others’ achievements without adding a “but” or without downplaying them?
• Do they become defensive, angry, or dismissive when criticized?

4. Relationship patterns

• Do they demand loyalty, admiration, or favors but give little in return?
• Do their relationships seem transactional, based on what others can offer them?

5. Workplace or group behaviour

• Do they try to dominate conversations and meetings?
• Do they criticize others in public, just to look intellectual?
• Do they charm superiors with flattery, while undermining peers or subordinates?
• Do they resist feedback or act as though rules don’t apply to them?
• Do they often namedrop, or speak about their network, connections, or how high-handed they are?
• Do they expect special treatment or exceptions in everyday situations?

The more you answer “yes” to the questions above, the bigger is the narcissist you are with.

How to deal with a narcissist?

Can you “fix” a narcissist? The short answer is no. Even if you try hard and succeed to some extent, it won’t be worth the effort. That’s because their sense of superiority generally prevents them from acknowledging narcissism as a problem. And if they believe there’s no problem, why would they “fix” themselves?

As far as I have read, the best way to deal with a narcissist is usually not to “fix” them, but to protect yourself while managing the relationship. Avoid engaging in power struggles to win arguments; these usually escalate their defensiveness. Instead, maintain emotional distance where possible and focus on regulating your own responses. If provoked, try to respond in a neutral, cold, or non-reactive way to minimize manipulation. If the toxicity is higher, the healthiest option may be limiting or cutting off contact altogether.

If you are in the company of a narcissist in your workplace, try to set clear boundaries because they often test limits by offloading work, taking credit, or ignoring norms. Be polite but firm about what you can and cannot take on, and stick to it consistently. Avoid ego battles, as arguing with a narcissist is rarely productive. They thrive on conflict and rarely concede. Manage your exposure. If possible, limit direct interactions. Avoiding them is the best way to reduce the chances of manipulation or exploitation. Protect your emotional energy. You need to remember that narcissists can drain colleagues through constant drama or demands for attention or admiration. Be assured that their behavior reflects their own insecurities, not your worth. Developing emotional detachment will help you stay safe and sound.

Can a narcissist be a loyal or helpful friend?

While narcissists can sometimes appear to be good friends or helpful, their motives are usually conditional, tied to something they can leverage. A relationship with a narcissist tends to be transactional rather than unconditional. Their point of view is like “I’ll give you attention, charm, or help, as long as you give me admiration, loyalty, or usefulness in return.”

Narcissists often confuse loyalty with utility. They may stay close to people who benefit them. But once those benefits diminish, their loyalty can fade quickly. This is why narcissistic friendships seem intense at first (love-bombing, constant attention, flattery), followed by disappointment once the narcissist’s needs are no longer being met.

As for being loyal, loyalty comes from honesty. Narcissists frequently bend the truth through exaggeration, omission, or outright lies to maintain their self-image. Honesty is often sacrificed if the truth would threaten their sense of superiority or expose vulnerability. Even when they are “honest,” it may be framed in a way that serves their narrative rather than mutual understanding or benefit.

But not all narcissists are same, as the degree of narcissism varies. A narcissist can sometimes act like a good friend, but consistency, unconditional support, and deep honesty are rare. If you expect the kind of loyalty and transparency found in healthier relationships, you’ll likely be disappointed. True unconditional support is rarely found in narcissists. That’s why most narcissists lack genuine friendships. They do not understand the meaning of friendship because they never get to be a part of it. Even if they try to forcefully create or enter a friend circle, they are usually despised there.

Why do they do what they do?

Like I have mentioned earlier, a narcissist is not driven by love. They are driven by shame and low self-esteem. At their core lies a deep wound, something they cannot face. They cover it with layers of pride, but the wound bleeds no matter what. The hunger for admiration is endless because nothing can fill it. They want to feel powerful because they have gone through the feeling of being powerless.

Their need for validation and gratification is immense. That is why they manipulate. They cannot stand the idea of being ordinary, so they twist others to feed them constant recognition. They play games with emotions, not out of cleverness, but desperation. And no amount of love, no amount of applause, no amount of admiration will ever be enough. Their ego is a bottomless pit.

To be around a narcissist is like being available to be used. You are not seen for who you are, but only for how much you can provide them. Once you stop feeding them, they discard you, because your value to them was never real. Their pride and sense of entitlement know no limits. But their pride is as fragile as glass. One crack, one moment of rejection, and they collapse into rage or despair.

The tragedy is that a narcissist does not live their own life. They live for an audience. They are prisoners to the gaze of others, slaves to applause, chained to endless hunger. They never rest, they never find peace, because peace cannot be built on lies. They may win attention, but they never win the trust, loyalty and true companionship from others in the long run.